Come away with me

I see this crystal room bordered by the true blue and white clouds we've been lounging in.
Doing nothing much but looking out to a dimmed sky.
Come away with me, I want to make all your dreams come true.
Break open this glass and reach with me the true colors revealed by the sun.
This moment of excitement, a cage opened and disappeared, we broke free,
I see your hand in mine
Looking into your eyes, these crystal clear jewels tell me this is where you belong
Let's take each other, let's go together to this place
where our souls collide and make a new world.
You were meant for so much more, come away with me and see what I see.

There is no shame. True strength resides in keeping love alive regardless of circumstance or time.

November 1, 2011

Strength and pride relay the determination inside your chest fortified by the repetition of this fueling. Pushing through feeling, joy fear and pain. A stated phrase with no hesitation or emotion is the one given most credence to. Everything is possible. Do you allow other people to push you around, sway and influence your decisions, and continue down the path of self-doubt, or do you push through to a place where honor is only achieved through blood sweat and tears, where pain has no substantiality in your existence but is rather an illusion refuted by the perspicacity that imbedded itself to what is pain’s former place within your quiddity. What can you achieve? What can be considered befitted enough to be adduced as an encumbrance? The will of another is your rebuttal. Consider your own frivolity, the fickleness of your own convictions.  Could this other also fight with a tantamount perspicacity to the one you have gained? If him is the one so easily blockading your resolve what fight does him need to endure that would allot him this? Tell me now, what do you think is insurmountable when all you consider impeding you is another? Truly you ought to believe the fortitude within your chest and the conviction in your spirit are far mightier than anything in this Universe’s existence. There is no shame in life. What will you do with this time in your life?, the only limitation if it is not taken advantage of.

This opportunity. Go.

the lightning

I just can't walk by without my heart
I saw myself dressed in white waking from a dream this morning
I dreamed of a world where green only masked the ruddiness of the brown
and instead of white, be wrapped in it

I think of so much more, you, and I think of so much more

I dream of being a warrior and I can't walk by without my heart but I've
been doing so all along
I am afraid to walk without my heart
As that is what I do right now

And I walk along, as you happen to walk near
You sneak glances at me, and familiarly I thought you almost would again
Place your dirty little hand around her the many hers there have been
Not this time, You still ask of me when you think I'm not looking listening
You catch my eye and look away to see your dirty little hand touch her once again
This time it didn't work, particularly she wasn't of that kind
But not this time, this time I see above my eyes, this time you face me
As he places his dirty hand by me, just for a minute
And thinking I can't see, your glance stays longer and visits me repeatedly
I sit here thereafter still without understanding wondering how after so long
Everything of you still remains the same

Here I am I think of him and him and many hims

I cross my fingers and wish, take me away to a world where green only masks the dirt
In between our fingers That every waking day I touch my face the smell reminds me of you

This dirty feeling in my chest, I want to go away as the red muddy river reminds me of the
heart I am too afraid to walk without

I do not understand how or why I matter to the owner of those dirty fingers of a coward
The fingers of you who cut the string
Do not ask of me
Do not treat me as a dog waving a piece of meat in front of my eyes -and then eat it
Do not know of me
Do not pay attention to me
Do not wish of me
Do not remember me
Do not expect of me
Do not wonder of me

Will you be like him? Will you end up like him too? That only after years that you realize you lost me, you'll come back with a confession, and thinking you hooked and bait trapped, will offer me the world?
And then pull back and forth back and forth, for my attention once again?
But to be honest, I would not mind this, I feel disgusting by the dirty hand, and my heart.
I know that in order to have this, the time will come when the desire nearly dies.
Everything everything once again, rattles around in my skull

I search for that world where I can grasp the brown dirt in my fist
I refuse to let my life fly by
So I walk, without a heart
And it is such freedom, honor, and bravery
It will eventually die without me there

But suddenly this hope rises in me
and I feel I know there is a way to go
Coming just around the corner

Is there a limit to how much you can love somebody?
No matter how much I hurt him or get hurt by him,
I find myself, far from hating him, actually hoping
that those wounds will scar, like burns
because then you can never forget me
and you will never, ever be able to leave my side.
Loving someone so madly and helplessly like this
I will never love like this again.

I feel so not understood

In this vast sky and twilight landscape I see
I feel so sad and alone it wasnt such a good day
I see the lights, confused
Is it night or day
I see the emptiness in my chest now gone away

I see you there Lord, and I see the twilight
that must be the sun now rising from the sky
My moistened heart in this slow chest
No aching, just the soft sounds of a lullaby
I feel so sad and crying

I see the hope in that horizon
Could it be you sending me the good news?
I don't believe it, I'm scared to believe it and feel disappointed
but I feel this peace from you touching my chest
Could this be hope in the horizon, over the calm San Francisco bay?
My tears are now turning into tears of joy
I feel a freedom wholly settles in my chest
Orange lights turning blue into purple

There is nothing I want more than this
Do you truly understand, are you actually on my side?
My wearied heart has cried out for this moment

I still don't believe it
the night haunts me
-show me.
Help me understand, I yearn to believe.
I would do, I would give,
anything for this. I would give my life.
Show me, help me to believe,
wake me from this nightmare I have called a life.
Remove this restlesness from my wearied heart.
Calm me with the truth
Show me, love me, tell me, understand me, be for me,
I want to believe you. more than I want my life.
and I cry discovering this new thing you've placed in my heart
where had you been?

Looking out of this dirty window on a sunny morning 9/19/11

and even when I get past this cutthroat suffocating anger
for all the other perplexities that still boggle my mind
and the clouded anxiety I can't seem to leave behind
in my mouth this taste of losing that still lingers

I'm leaving you anyway while I feel a tugging at my sleeve
a threat no longer here, this one promise ill keep; today my protests cease
This is the last time you'll see my pink face and bloodshot eyes full of tears

and once more I'll declare I know nothing

These five years, two months and three days
have brought to surface the doubting thoughts of that night
You're just the safety net of a weak mind
and yet I still - I still, I still wish I could make excuses

I need you

But on this pretty morning I feel like suicide

and if it's not you pulling me out of the water
I WILL go headfirst into it and drown

Sunshine

Do you remember.
the summer of '07?
When you wrote our names in the sand
surrounded by a heart
and we were bright like sunshine?

All I have is memories and the feelings I can't put into words
when you ask me what it feels like to hold you again

I'm happy and I don't need to fake anything with you
No excuses, no secrets, not a single lie

I could wake up tomorrow and believe it was all a dream from the past
but then I'd cry and wish it were true

Sometimes I hear what you say and do,
and wonder if God read my mind

I just can't understand how it is sometimes I really do get what I want the most
and that prayers and tears are really heard up in Heaven.


Sometimes-
I've been remembering that time in middle school when
I lost my sonic cartridge for my gameboy advance
It was my favorite game
I searched every once in a while for months
Until one day I looked all over my house five times
and found it in the back of my drawer

I said. "mom look!" and she ran to the hallway in front of my room
a sweet smile slowly formed on her face as I said, "I don't even know why I'm crying."

That's what I felt when I kissed you.

Five Years

A dim ray of light illuminates the curtain at the edge of this long room

Many things pass by in this place
Reminding of the simple fact we all live and die within a single second
Compared to the grandness of your existence

An auburn chested bird passed by
Reminding me of the true color of my eyes
No more mislabeled or hidden behind current events

Beneath this mentality attempting to entrap something so grand
It dug in to my spirit rupturing the places where it took hold like a claw
Look into me and find a little sincerity from this soul weary

Find a small light and a wild fire burning its hottest- bright blue
An unbroken will still resonates within

Seeking the scent of morning grass from that day
The green overflows

I still

I still want to leave this all behind
All I hold dear,
Just to go find
A world where I live relying on only you
and I hold no control
My deepest dreams reach beyond all I know and continue to ask
My heart continues to ask me, "When will you take me?"
So I sought
and I thought I reached you
But that opportunity had a closed door
I still feel better hanging on the edge of you
than standing safely far away
I feel safe no other way
Well today once again I will pray, and I will seek, and I will knock
My heart is bursting at the seams
I will not quit or give up
Until you answer me, and it's been a long time, but it is worth my life.

Bright

I never realized back then 
there was a little piece of you in 
everything bright and meaningful. 
It's been a long time 
since I've seen your shinning face 
but I remember 
everytime you say my name.

Of a time outside your grace

I want to reach you but I know there's something in between
These legs they cut below my knees cannot take me there
The space it takes to walk there is now empty air filled with
broken memories of a time outside your grace
The only way to reach you would be
to drag the remaining fragment of my body across the concrete
But even so, I cannot see or know if that is where you are
I am too afraid of seeing more blood than right where I end
So I lay
I lay there playing, pretending to be doctor patching stitches at the edges
With blood still gushing forth, I paint in red brushing softly with my fingertips

I woke up once, some time ago I remember
I think I  had seen you walking near, I cried out and you came
Time stood still in that moment when I knew you were here
But what happened then or where I went I don't remember
All I know is the blood dried up and I don't want to see anymore of it
I still remain limbless wishing I was where you are
But I don't want to see them taunting me if I find the strength to drag myself along
Who knows? They might even cut more.
So I stay here hidden not too far away
Like a little coward wasting my life away to die
And I might do it if they ever go away, but would it even matter then?

I want to

I want it to be undone but that is not possible. There is no reversal now. So then I want to forget it as if it doesn't matter, but it still comes back in waves.

Judging glances, constant surveillance, forced suggestions, forced choices, controlled options, biased opinions, pitiful words. Depleted strength.

Weary.

I want to lay my cold flesh down, gently on the floor.
I want to feel the space between my flesh and my spirit.
I want to lay here, as though the beginning of a twilight, dim blue light.
I want to feel my heart beating slowly, focus all my effort into each quiet breath.
Each inhale soaking in the blood smeared on the surface of my skin.

I want to lay here calmly, as a bear in hibernation, sleepy eyes half open.
That the outline of my body fades into a ghost, floating in a corner, unseen.
I want to remain like this, focusing on each breath, my only movement, until a time passes.
I want to be here, unseen and unheard, unnoticed, until I myself forget and the memory completely fades of the reason why I came.
I want to drift in this space where only spirits are permitted to occupy, until all my surroundings and this generation fades.
I want to wake up and see a generation already established, in the same green earth, that remembers of me not.
I want to never have told him of my current state. I want to never have heard those words he said.
I want to never have hated him.
I want a new heart but at the same time I miss the cold that it nestled up into as a haven those years of upbringing. I want you to not be so stupid and understand, that I want to know none of this existence.

But it still grips me in my heart.

There's a part that's still alive. Scared of being alone even while wanting to die.

Though I well know that we all die alone.

He begs me to come back. My heart jumps. Only he would know it all without me saying a word. But I still like the feel, of my cold pale skin in the dark, being held in his arms.

And my biggest fear is that if I ever come out, that even if just for a moment, that I would have to go back in.  That's why I stay.

somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond

By E.E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

There is nothing I could do

here I am overwhelmed

Nothing I could ever do would be good for you

Gazing upon your glory

My ego begins to die

My face begins to melt

The water rushes in

This place

This world

a blur ever changing overlapping waves

Look to you

a solid rock

unchanging

legs sinking in

becoming one

What appeared so good

is wicked in front of you

just like me

Finally coming to say the one thing I need

I have no words for you

I'm clinging

You are the one I'm clinging to desperately

Being blinded you finallly allowed me to see

A single breath outside of you kills me

Permit my ears to behold the repitition 

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

A single gaze upon you

Hallelujah

The discourse of my praises has no completion

Inserting no interruptions

Nothing will move me from here

Look to you

a solid rock

unchanging

legs sinking in

becoming one

Inserting no interruptions

Nothing will move me from here

You are the one I'm clinging to desperately

Hallelujah

God keeps his promises.

Feast of St. Joseph - In honor of our five years:

Oh, St. Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God. I place in you all my interests and desires. Oh, St. Joseph, do assist me by your powerful intercession, and obtain for me from your devine Son all spiritual blessings, throughJesus Christ, our Lord. So that, having engaged here below your heavenly power, I may offer my thanksgiving and homage to the most loving of Fathers.  Oh, St. Joseph, I never weary of contemplating you, and Jesusasleep in your arms; I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me and ask him to return the Kiss when I draw my dying breath. St. Joseph, Patron of departing souls - Pray for me.

This prayer was found in the fiftienth year of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In 1505 it was sent from the Pope to Emperor Charles when he was going into battle. Whoever shall read this prayer or hear it or keep it about themselves, shall never die a sudden death, or be drowned, not shall posion take effect of them; neither shall they fall into the hands of the enemy; or shall be burned in any fire, or shall be overpowered in battle.

Say for nine mornings for anything you may desire. It has never been known to fail, so be sure you really want what you ask.


http://prayertostjoseph.org/

So I trust in love

Clear waters came and swept me back like a tide
as I dive in the river Jordan
I feel my head fall back
for a second my lungs expanded
arms spread open
I see you in me
looking up crying Abba Abba
your beaten flesh taking the place of my formerly broken heart

letting go of this world
is falling back into the river
thought it was flying no longer afraid
push my back up
rising from the water
falling from my face
life in my eyes
the only jewels I hold are the holes in my hands

sing a new song dance
shake my head water sprinkles from my hair
lifted hands now I see and can never look away

Communion

True desire to reach something
beyond what I want
and the temporary concerns that occupy
my state of mind lately

reach into
that calling in my heart

a voice
a single sound deep and harmonious
profound and everflowing

live rivers of joy
I send praise to you

in every nation
searching through the earth
all that I have seen
my heart calling out
to this one moment

the reason for my existence becomes so clear
in this moment I can feel
a tiny glimpse
the vastness of your love

the very core of my being

feeling my chest rise with every breath
my heart not lowering
I look up
eyes open wide yet remain serene

Hear it say
every earthly desire is yours
but now I only reach for this one thing

Reciprocate

2/12/11
All you want is my attention, you don't want to feel shot down.
But you wanted me to act differently to entertain your interest.
So here I am doing just that,
and now you feel a little scared and frustrated.

I will reciprocate, and what if I refuse,
I will keep fighting on.
Delete your words of shooting me down, what if I refuse.
Feelings I do not accept, and what if I refuse.

I will walk keep running in the fight
keep fighting through the pain
just because there's pain doesn't
mean my heart wavers
just because I fight doesn't mean it's for you
just because I love doesn't mean you have anything over me.

I will
reciprocate
and let it all be what it's supposed to be
and when these feelings come
what if I refuse?
I laught it off let it roll off my chest
what if neither you nor it have power over me.
And what if I refuse?
I will reciprocate.

I notice you get a little scared, a little frustrated,
aren't we having fun in your little game?
I said from the beginning I don't play games.
And what if I refuse? Refuse anything of this.
Instead wait for the truth, I'm running towards.

Day Late Friend

I hear that old song
that reminds me of you
and takes me away from the present
into a haven of true feelings
like love without heartbreak
and how I always have this inside my heart for you
and through everything that's happened
all the culmination of my emotions

I know you'll always be my day late friend

though from time to time
I still like to imagine what could've been
nothing is set in stone

but I still know you'll always be my day late friend

all the past lovers that still linger
doors that haven't been closed
the searching of a key
rusted in the rain in the middle of a thorn bush
all I've been through lately
fades away as if just a phase

I escape to this of the past suddenly freeing
and I feel something in my heart cry
I truly love you and I don't understand how
to express that I know we'll always be
just day late friends

You bring me back to a place full of lush green grass and the sunrise
the fresh air I breathe in
and I cry because I know no matter what this is all you see
every time you find my life in a mess
you look into my eyes as I cry
and see who I truly am
no matter what I gave away to who didn't deserve
no matter the clouds of confusion flying over my head

I still find you at that place
you look me in the eyes and see something no one else
like knowing the meaning of my name
and everytime I think of you and everytime you think of me
I always knew I heard you calling me
it blew my mind away

and I know in my heart this is the only true love I know
but I know we'll always be just day late friends
but sometimes I still like to imagine if I said yes that day

Promise

All my troubles melt away
when I heard his voice that day
Trust in me,
                  cast all your worries out
I've been there from the start
I'll fortify your heart
                  leave not a single doubt.

Coping

When the world comes to oppress you
on every side leading you
to feel out of control
As you reach out to lash out
and synthesize an escape or
release from the consequences
of your actions
As you look for a sheep's
soul to pour your black bitter upon
Watch it be my shadow replacing
the figure you so accustomed
to find on that spot right
there, masking the murky shallow
brown puddles on the floor you
mistook as my eyes
Turn your neck in fear, find the
pointing finger (on judgement day)
be the sword.
See the red stain clear from
my irises
As you despair to have (the last
attack on me to have one last laugh
and as you die, your embitterement
seeks to release its malignant
spore as one last attempt to
survive
Blinded by the tiny part of light
released from my cloaked eyes
holding onto Him like a baby child
being nurtured
my right hand shoo you
away break free from the
blood red vines growing
on the black newly
attempting at forming around

my wrist burned away out
of existence by the weapon
he hadth given me.
I, just remembering it, am I
    the same person as my soul?
  What a weak mind cannot fathom.
White I am enveloped in
   you do not comprehend, recognize
Almost out of reach, watch me go
  deeper as you sink down all thoughts
disappear whilst All is black

.rotaerC ,retsaM ym gniroda teppup sselnoitom

etihw ot dednilb seye nworb ,pu

denrut won ecaf ym tub ,roolf eht no

yad that yal I yaw emas eht ereh tis lliw I

tub od ot sgniht rehto eb yam ereht

~yad tsrif that ekil tsuj traeh ym ni

gninrub wenk ecno I gnileef gniohce eht     

htiw noinu gnidnilb ot em gnitniop

secnalg dexif ,seiromem gnitniaf

secalp nettogrof , secnalg dexif ,secaf gnizingocer

                       uoy      otni repeed

                     repeed

                    repeed oG

               dg I sa deifirup si

        dnim detniat siht tselihw

                   snrub daeherof ym

           efiL.

     nwonk ev’I sraey eht

     lla stnemom teiuq eht ni

     gnitarbiv ohce eht sa

     sevaw cirtemmys noitapicitna

     htiw deticxe stepmurt fo dnuos

           eht yb tuo denword

     derongi maercs tsaL

Swat away insignificant little fly, like a seed
a spore not able to be planted, died.