I want to

I want it to be undone but that is not possible. There is no reversal now. So then I want to forget it as if it doesn't matter, but it still comes back in waves.

Judging glances, constant surveillance, forced suggestions, forced choices, controlled options, biased opinions, pitiful words. Depleted strength.

Weary.

I want to lay my cold flesh down, gently on the floor.
I want to feel the space between my flesh and my spirit.
I want to lay here, as though the beginning of a twilight, dim blue light.
I want to feel my heart beating slowly, focus all my effort into each quiet breath.
Each inhale soaking in the blood smeared on the surface of my skin.

I want to lay here calmly, as a bear in hibernation, sleepy eyes half open.
That the outline of my body fades into a ghost, floating in a corner, unseen.
I want to remain like this, focusing on each breath, my only movement, until a time passes.
I want to be here, unseen and unheard, unnoticed, until I myself forget and the memory completely fades of the reason why I came.
I want to drift in this space where only spirits are permitted to occupy, until all my surroundings and this generation fades.
I want to wake up and see a generation already established, in the same green earth, that remembers of me not.
I want to never have told him of my current state. I want to never have heard those words he said.
I want to never have hated him.
I want a new heart but at the same time I miss the cold that it nestled up into as a haven those years of upbringing. I want you to not be so stupid and understand, that I want to know none of this existence.

But it still grips me in my heart.

There's a part that's still alive. Scared of being alone even while wanting to die.

Though I well know that we all die alone.

He begs me to come back. My heart jumps. Only he would know it all without me saying a word. But I still like the feel, of my cold pale skin in the dark, being held in his arms.

And my biggest fear is that if I ever come out, that even if just for a moment, that I would have to go back in.  That's why I stay.