Judging glances, constant surveillance, forced suggestions, forced choices, controlled options, biased opinions, pitiful words. Depleted
Weary.
I want to lay my cold flesh down, gently on the floor.
I want to feel the space between my flesh and my spirit.
I want to lay here, as though the beginning of a twilight, dim blue light.
I want to feel my heart beating slowly, focus all my effort into each quiet breath.
Each inhale soaking in the blood smeared on the surface of my skin.
I want to lay here calmly, as a bear in hibernation, sleepy eyes half open.
That the outline of my body fades into a ghost, floating in a corner, unseen.
I want to remain like this, focusing on each breath, my only movement, until a time passes.
I want to be here, unseen and unheard, unnoticed, until I myself forget and the memory completely fades of the reason why I came.
I want to drift in this space where only spirits are permitted to occupy, until all my surroundings and this generation fades.
I want to wake up and see a generation already established, in the same green earth, that remembers of me not.
I want to never have told him of my current state. I want to never have heard those words he said.
I want to never have hated him.
I want a new heart but at the same time I miss the cold that it nestled up into as a haven those years of upbringing. I want you to not be so stupid and understand, that I want to know none of this existence.
But it still grips me in my heart.
There's a part that's still alive. Scared of being alone even while wanting to die.
Though I well know that we all die alone.
He begs me to come back. My heart jumps. Only he would know it all without me saying a word. But I still like the feel, of my cold pale skin in the dark, being held in his arms.
And my biggest fear is that if I ever come out, that even if just for a moment, that I would have to go back in. That's why I stay.
