I feel so not understood

In this vast sky and twilight landscape I see
I feel so sad and alone it wasnt such a good day
I see the lights, confused
Is it night or day
I see the emptiness in my chest now gone away

I see you there Lord, and I see the twilight
that must be the sun now rising from the sky
My moistened heart in this slow chest
No aching, just the soft sounds of a lullaby
I feel so sad and crying

I see the hope in that horizon
Could it be you sending me the good news?
I don't believe it, I'm scared to believe it and feel disappointed
but I feel this peace from you touching my chest
Could this be hope in the horizon, over the calm San Francisco bay?
My tears are now turning into tears of joy
I feel a freedom wholly settles in my chest
Orange lights turning blue into purple

There is nothing I want more than this
Do you truly understand, are you actually on my side?
My wearied heart has cried out for this moment

I still don't believe it
the night haunts me
-show me.
Help me understand, I yearn to believe.
I would do, I would give,
anything for this. I would give my life.
Show me, help me to believe,
wake me from this nightmare I have called a life.
Remove this restlesness from my wearied heart.
Calm me with the truth
Show me, love me, tell me, understand me, be for me,
I want to believe you. more than I want my life.
and I cry discovering this new thing you've placed in my heart
where had you been?

Looking out of this dirty window on a sunny morning 9/19/11

and even when I get past this cutthroat suffocating anger
for all the other perplexities that still boggle my mind
and the clouded anxiety I can't seem to leave behind
in my mouth this taste of losing that still lingers

I'm leaving you anyway while I feel a tugging at my sleeve
a threat no longer here, this one promise ill keep; today my protests cease
This is the last time you'll see my pink face and bloodshot eyes full of tears

and once more I'll declare I know nothing

These five years, two months and three days
have brought to surface the doubting thoughts of that night
You're just the safety net of a weak mind
and yet I still - I still, I still wish I could make excuses

I need you

But on this pretty morning I feel like suicide

and if it's not you pulling me out of the water
I WILL go headfirst into it and drown